Out of the Closet? 10:33 a.m. 2005-05-30

Today, from Tarot.com, my horoscope:

Positive energy waves are washing into your life, allowing you Leos to be at your best. Remember, however, that others may not understand your ways and that you can overwhelm them by what you do. Be aware of their feelings, but don't let that stop you from engaging the world with all that you are. What you start now can bring rewards in the weeks ahead.

Now, there is no way all of that can happen in one day! I was planning on continuing to clean my house, office, and studio area.

By the way, if you are new to my journal, you might want to read yesterday's post. (Or it may warn you away!!!)

In that post, I came out of the closet with my divination addiction. For those of you that are concerned that I am going to become annoying about this, let me just say that it is probably like a gay person coming out.

1. You knew - or have suspected you were astrologically addicted, but kept it sort of hidden - except for the references to typical traits of others that point to their sun signs, etc.

2. Everyone else knows, or knew - and either accepted it a long time ago, or took steps to dissuade you - especially your Christian friends.

3. Now that you have come out, you are going to be fairly obnoxious about it for a while.

4. It will eventually fade into the background as other things in real life come to the fore.

It's just that, right now, I have way too much time on my hands! And, yes, there are things I could be, should be, and AM doing, but I am on SUMMER vacation, and part of me petulantly complains any time that real life butts in.

Now, reflecting on the above prediction, I think about something that I have come up with before. I have a bit of a hero complex. In the recent past, I have gotten very involved in the lives of friends of mine. I have done a lot for this family, and I know that at times they wonder what my motives are. I often wonder myself.

All I can say at the moment is that it felt good to help someone. There were insights that I have and things that I can do to ease their burden. But I always wonder if I go too far. I also worry that, if I stop giving and being the one to step forward, if my newfound friends will forget about me.

I have always felt that way about people. It's hard for me to stop doing for people, because I am afraid that, if I stop, I will be left alone.

Boo hoo.

To quote the above again: Remember, however, that others may not understand your ways and that you can overwhelm them by what you do.

I have a tendency to do things in a grand way - fixing whole meals for my colleagues and serving them at lunchtime at school, writing 5 paragraph essays in an attempt to get a friend honored as he deserves, arranging for tea at the Ritz for a friend and her mother, tutoring a teenager for weeks to try to help him pass one subject. It would be one thing if the love was spread around, but this has all been for one family.

At first, I was very self conscious of this - but I feel like I am being directed to help. By God? Or what - hence the Breaking the Waves reference yesterday.

One insight is that when I procrastinate on things that need to be done in my life, I do it VERY creatively. Focussing on another's problems is soooo much easier than focussing on my own.

As for my grandiocity. I once had a friend and roommate who made me feel bad for stealing the spotlight - I was always the bad one in that relationship. Now, I say this: I try to be mindful of sharing the spotlight, but I do not need to downplay my creativity or flamboyance. If you can't take the heat, walk away from the kitchen.

I don't mean to be obnoxious, but I am tired of downplaying myself to help other people feel better about themselves. There is a quote from Marianne Williamson, which goes like this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

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Tiedyefor 2003