Yesterday afternoon, I called my best friend and said, "Can we just move out of the city and buy a farm?" "I can't believe you just said that!" she answered. Of course, she knew who it was, although I called on her work phone.

Fed up. That's what I am. Here it is, only a month into the school year, and it feels like a year already! It's not the kids, although some of them are annoying... It's all of the other crap.

Do I WANT to head the Diversity Committee and attend system-wide and school meetings every month? Especially when the school system is going to dictate our diversity goals? What is the point of this committee anyway - aren't we already diverse? Seems to me that, instead of stuffing a bunch of opinions and theory about groups of people down our throats, that diversity would be better served by learning more about the individuals with whom we work!

Do I WANT to collaborate with the assistant principal, a new colleague, the language arts department - the whole FRIGGIN' world in order to do my job? Apparently, I must - there is no "I" in team, and that seems to be the new buzz word in our system. Don't they know that my classroom is a benevolent monarchy, not an offshoot from a TEAM?

Maybe I am just not a team player.

Which is why I want to move to the country, live on a farm, and work on my art. I thought that the summer would be enough to sustain me, but that taste of how things could be just makes me long for it again. I feel like, when I get home at night, I should be able to just do what I want to and let that be it. Unfortunately, I often drop into bed as soon as I get home and sleep for a couple of hours.

Then, I don't feel like preparing dinner, or cleaning house, or paying the bills, or exercising. And I definitely do not feel like doing schoolwork. It's not even worth it to bring papers home to grade or documentation home to work on. I simply won't do it.

I don't even have the energy to do anything social. I used to go out to eat with friends, invite people over for meals, go places with people (although that was a long time ago, when I had friends...). Now, I look at anything as an interference with what I really want to do - work on my art projects.

For example, tonight I am supposed to accompany my husband to a party for the choir. He is a member, and I realize that this will probably be a fun event. However, with only 60 hours (roughly) to do with what I wish (theoretically) from when I get home on Friday afternoon to when I have to awake again on Monday morning to return to school, I am very selfish with my time. In fact, since this counts as a church function, I will be reluctant to do another church thing (such as attending church on Sunday morning.

That would take away from my sleeping, eating, watching DVD's, communing with my dog, working on my story boxes... all of that.

I don't know what I will do about this yet. I am the sole steady source of income for our household, since my husband is a "self-employed" computer technician and consultant. I can't just quit my job, because I am the source of our insurance coverage, too. And we use that to the hilt.